Nostalgia Critic reviews Pompeii
by Bclement117
Summary: Nostalgia Critic gets recruited to the CIA to help Chuck, Sarah, and Kasey on a mission. Their mission is to stop Paul W. S. Anderson from trying to use an army of zombies to invade the Oscars. Nostalgia Critic's task for the mission is to review Paul W. S. Anderson's recent film, Pompeii. Rated for the Critic's language.
1. Nostalgia Critic: Pompeii Chapter 1

(Nostalgia Critic heads to the Buymore store to repair his laptop. He heads to the help desk where Chuck was busy talking to his girlfriend Sarah Walker. Chuck jumps with excitement as he finally got to meet him.)

Chuck: "Nostalgia Critic!"

NC: "Hi there. I just bought this laptop and it got destroyed."

Chuck: "How did that happen?"

NC: "Well, I was watching Wicker Man on the laptop and it sucked! It was so bad that I shot it many times with my gun! May I need to go any further?"

Chuck: No, no problem. If you give me your warranty, we'll head to the backroom and fetch you a brand new one."

(Nostalgia Critic and Chuck head to the backroom, where the two agents, Sarah Walker and John Kasey were hiding. The two grabbed Nostalgia Critic and puts a rag over his head.)

NC: Hey, what the hell is going on?!

Kasey: Good work Chuck, we got him.

Sarah: Come on Chuck, we're taking him to the castle.

NC: Castle?! Who are you guys?! Chuck, what the hell is going on?!"

Kasey: Shut up! (And punches him in the face.)

Chuck: Oh my god, why did you have to do that?!

Kasey: It makes me feel better.

(They got to the castle and Nostalgia Critic woke up in a briefing room with Sarah, Kasey, and Chuck.)

NC: What the hell is going on?!

Chuck: Listen, we are not going to hurt you. We just need your help.

NC: Who are those two? And is that the guy who punched me in the face?!

Kasey: That is because you almost blew our cover!

NC: What cover?!

Sarah: We are agents working for the CIA. We brought you into our fortress because we need your help.

NC: What do you want with me? I'm a film critic.

(General Beckman appears on the computer screen)

General: Greetings, Nostalgia Critic.

NC: Huh, hello General. What am I doing here?

General: I have recruited you for a CIA mission.

NC: With those two agents and the Buymore guy?

Chuck: Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Chuck.

Sarah: Chuck isn't an agent.

NC: Then what the hell is he doing here then?

General: Can we continue here? This film director Paul W. S. Anderson has recently released a new film. He wants plans to assassinate those on his hit list, James Cameron, Steven Spielberg, Ridley Scott, and Joss Whedon. We don't know where he could be or how he would kill them. We need to track him down before they meet him. Chuck would need to provide when and where the assassination would happen as he is an IT for the Buymore. Agent Kasey and Walker will hunt him down by force. You must accompany them on this mission. During the whole mission, you have to review and rant about his recent film.

Sarah: (She hands him the Pompeii dvd.) This is the movie you have to watch and review it.

NC: That movie?

General: (Nodded) You all must head to Nostalgia Critic's office where he would review as you try to track down Paul W. S. Anderson. Nostalgia Critic, Good luck!

Sarah: Come on, let's get to your office.

(The four of them head to his office. Sarah and Kasey sets upsecurity cameras, radar scanners, computers, radios, transmitters around his desk. Nostalgia Critic watches Pompeii during this whole time of the setup.)

NC: (Stepped into his office feeling angry.) Wow, piece is shit!

Sarah: Excellent! Now, we will be scanning around the parameters of the area as we record your review.

Kasey: As you begin your review, don't you ever mention you are on a CIA mission, Chuck, and any other information that would endanger us.

NC: Don't worry, I will only be talking about the film.

Sarah: Remember, Paul W. S. Anderson would be trying to contact you through your phone as you are reviewing. You answer the phone and we will track his phone. Don't say you are involved in this mission.

Chuck: One more thing, good luck buddy!

NC: Thanks.

Kasey: Our country now rests in your hands.

Sarah: Recording the review, now!


	2. Nostalgia Critic: Pompeii, Chapter 2

(Nostalgia Critic Intro Theme)

Hello, I am the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to. Thousands of years ago, a volcano, Mount Vesuvius destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii. This tragedy left millions of people all over the empire scarred for life. Only a few were alive to witness it. The eruption left many of them confused and afraid. And we can agree, it is an event no one in human history could never forget. Ok, you know the punchline! This is Pompeii the movie, not the actual event!

We first begin with opening credits with the director labeled Paul W. S. Anderson.

I'm not lying, Pompeii is directed by Paul W. S. Anderson. The same guy that did the Resident Evil films, Alien vs. Predator, and Mortal Kombat. That bastard! Every time I watch his films I want to blow my head off! Which I almost did.

The film starts with a quote from Pliny the Younger telling the horror of the destruction of Pompeii. Then shows bodies of the victims who got caught in the volcanic eruption. Thank you for giving away the ending, Paul W. S. Anderson!

Then we find ourselves in Britannia, 62 A.D where a little boy wakes up as the Romans wiped out an entire village. Wow he is just stood around watching all of his people get slaughtered as if he does not know what the hell is going on. His mother grabs him and a second later she gets run over by a horse. Wow, that was pointless. These Roman soldiers are being led by Jack Bower. (Nostalgia Critic slaps himself in the head finding that stupid.) Jack Bower?! You got to be shitting me! He does not sound like a Roman!

Anyway, Jack Bower kills a woman and they dragged her and her son into a pile of bodies. What a surprise, the boy was still alive and then got captured.

A few years later, we see him now grown up to be Jon Snow. He is a badass gladiator with a slick bread, tight big abs, and long black hair. I am not kidding. A lot of girls who saw this movie went nuts over his abs.

Two hours ago,

Tamara: (Went into Nostalgia Critic's movie room while he started watching Pompeii. She saw the abs of Jon Snow.) Oh my god, his abs! He has such nice abs!

NC: (Jumped off his couch as he was started.) Tamara, I am busy right now! Could you just leave for a while?

Tamara: But he has such beautiful abs!

NC: Get out!

(Tamara leaves his movie room. Nostalgia Critic turned to see her head peeking through the window. She kept her eyes on Jon Snow's abs.)

NC: Get out! (He closed the curtains and continued to watch the movie.)

And now back to the present,

The problem with him hits right now, he shows no emotion as he was about to fight other gladiators. Oh, what is his name actually?

_They called him the Celt._

Well, that is what they call him then. Now we get to watch a few seconds of him staring blankly at the other gladiators. Staring, staring, still staring. (Nostalgia Critic hits a bell hanging over his desk.) And their off! He killed the other gladiators and stormed out of the arena.

Then the movie shows us the map of Europe showing only London and Pompeii. They don't show where they travel. Did they go by sea or across land? Apparently they have the slaves walk in chains all the way from London to Pompeii. If that were the case, then it would take months to walk that far.

A carriage rolled passed the slave as it was coming from Rome. Gee, I wonder who that could be. (Sarcasm) In the carriage was Babydoll and either her friend or servant. I don't know! Anyways, the carriage hit a deep puddle in the road. One of the horses fall one its side and broke its leg. Jon Snow insisted on helping it because he is Irish and lived with horses. As Babydoll allowed him to help the horse, he snapped its neck. (Nostalgia Critic's mouth opened with shock.) His slave keeper chained him back up and Babydoll gets a couple of minutes to admire his body.

_Servant: Why would the brute do that?_

_Cassia: Because it was the kindest thing to do._

(Crickets. Nostalgia Critic was speechless.)

WHAT! Babydoll has admired him as if killing her horse never happened. What? Jon Snow puts the horse out of its misery and she finds that attractive and the kindest thing to do? This makes absolutely no sense at all! I'm guessing Paul Anderson had to come some random way to get the two to meet. What the fuck!

We then finally get a glimpse of the one and only Pompeii with the giant volcano next to it. The volcano has an open crater, an open crater?

(Someone was calling for Nostalgia Critic on Skype. The agents and Chuck stopped thinking it could be Paul W. S. Anderson. Sarah nodded for him to answer it. It wasn't Paul W. S. Anderson, it was Neil Degrasse Tyson.)

Tyson: Hi Critic!

NC: Hey Tyson, what is up?

Tyson: I just want to know what you are up to.

NC: (He looked at the agents making sure he does not blow their cover.) I am in the middle of reviewing that Pompeii movie directed by Paul W. S. Anderson.

Tyson: That movie is very scientifically inaccurate. Perhaps I would assist you by providing accurate information about the eruption.

NC: Perfect! I just got to the part where they finally got to Pompeii and that volcano has an open crater.

Tyson: Before that volcano erupted, it looked like an ordinary mountain with vast amounts of vegetation and no crater. The volcano to erupt many times, leaving an opened crater which we see today.

NC: Thank you, you get brownie points!

They finally got to the city and Babydoll decided to leave her carriage. She strode all across the city to her private villa where she was reunited with her family, her father Ulysses S. Grant from Lincoln and mother Trinity from The Matrix. I am not lying, Trinity is in this movie.

_Cassia: I couldn't not spend another day in Rome. Too many arrogant men who flatter you with their presence._

_Trinity: It sounds like my baby isn't a child._

What does that have to do with her leaving Rome early? She then hugs her father and he tried not to cry. He told her not to tell anyone about it. Ok, then.

_Ulysses S. Grant: Is this all your luggage? What did you do, packed the entire city of Rome?_

Yup, we do know another thing, she spends a lot of money like a spoiled brat. (Clip from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where the girl sings, "I want it now!")

Jon Snow was taken to the dungeon along with other gladiators. One douchebag came up to him while eating wanting to kill him. Jon Snow fights and karate chop his ass. He was then thrown into a cell where Mr. Echo is his cellmate. Mr. Echo says, "You owe me too rations Celt." And Jon Snow says nothing.

We get a glimpse of the crater of Mt. Vesuvius filled with lava. One of the servants rode one of the horses. Then an earthquake happened and he fell into a big crack. Wow, what a surprise. Bye bye.

Tyson: Like I said, Mt. Vesuvius did not have an open crater before it erupted. Since it is a stratovolcano, it cannot have a lake of lava based on the magma content. If it were to release lava, it would not go very far because it is rich in silica.

NC: Another brownie point for my man!

Jon Snow woke the next morning and sees Mr. Echo staring at the candles and a stick thing. Mr. Echo seems to be a threat to Jon Snow and asked what his name is.

_Mr. Echo: What is your name? We will have to speak at some point._

_Jon Snow: No, we don't. What we have to do is kill each other at some point. So my name's my own, I have no interest in learning yours._

Well, they are good cellmates for the moment. During their training, the head guard told him that he will have one more fight to win and he would be free the next day. But first he must chose who he wants to kill.

_Mr. Echo: Now who's the poor bastard who has to die for my freedom?_

And what do you know, Jon Snow volunteers and they have their first fight in the arena. During their fight, he taunts Jon Snow saying that Jon Snow is too weak and obvious to be a champion like him. He hoped that he would get a chance to kill him. The camera focused on them too close and I don't know what the hell is going on. Eventually, Jon Snow knocked him down and another gladiator tries to kill him from the back. Then Mr. Echo saves him. What? He wants to kill Jon Snow, but saved him?

_Jon Snow: Why did you save my life?_

_Mr. Echo: No gladiator should die from a blade to the back. When you die it should be to the front and it will come from my hand._

_Jon Snow: Well, I can make you a better promise: When you die, it will be quick and it will come from my hand._

Hum, How about you say thank you for saving my life? I really can't stand looking at the expression on Jon Snow's face when he said that. Mr. Echo continues to taunt him and Jon Snow does not seem afraid or angry at him. He looks like Bella Swan from Twilight. (Nostalgia Critic has a picture of Bella Swan to compare her expression with Jon Snow's.) See? They look alike. Come on, give him some facial expression!

Jack Bower arrives from Rome to take control over the city. As he enters the city, the citizens turn their backs on him. The soldiers set up camp at the front of Babydoll's villa.

_Trinity: Don't worry; your plan is nothing short but brilliance. Only the madman would the emperor be against in investing._

_Ulysses S. Grant: And let us hope that the emperor did not sent us one._

Too late! They entered Jack Bower's tent and he turns out to be the emperor's senator. Jake Bower accompanied by his lieutenant/bodyguard arrives to make business with Ulysses S. Grant and Trinity to reconstruct the city. As they meet Jack Bower, listen to this. (Jack Bower speaks with a funny British accent.)

_Jack Bower: I'm Senator Corvus._

(Nostalgia Critic giggled with he heard that name.) What's his name again?

_Jack Bower: I'm Senator Corvus._

(Nostalgia Critic giggled again.) Please tell that is the only time we hear that name.

_Jon Snow: Corvus!_

_Babydoll: Corvus!_

_Assistant: Corvus!_

_Ulysseus S. Grant: Corvus!_

Well, there are not enough images of slaughtered bunnies in the world to give me not to laugh at that.

_Trinity: Corvus!_

(Nostalgia Critic laughs.)

Ok, seriously, why the hell did Paul W. S. Anderson cast him as the villain? You can already tell without knowing he killed Jon Snow's people. It is as if he got to put on a mustache! It is hard to not notice it!

Meanwhile, Babydoll's horse returns running around the villa. Babydoll wondered where one of her servants went. Then we see Trinity looking up the mountain. Is that mountain going to blow up anytime soon? Because I am!

We cut back to Jon Snow and Mr. Echo in the dungeon. Mr. Echo continues to taunt him about killing him the next to earn his freedom. He even told Jon Snow how he would kill him. Yet Jon Snow said a few points about Mr. Echo's weakness that would make it possible for Jon to win.

Later that night, the two gladiators were taken out of the arena to the villa. As they walked down the street, they sudden had to slow down the film so we could see that Jon Snow was looking at Jack Bower's assistant. Was the slow motion really that necessary? The assistant didn't even look at him.

At the party, Jack Bower wants to invest in making the city better, which makes Ulysses S. Grant uncomfortable.

Next we get a shot of Babydoll and her servant looking at Jon Snow again.

_Servant: The slave who can talk to horses. He is a fine specimen._

He snapped Babydoll's horse neck! When we saw him with a horse, he killed it! How does she know that he is a horse talker? From what we know, the two witness him killing that horse. He doesn't talk to a horse, he kills it!

Jack Bower ordered Ulysses S. Grant to fetch Babydoll with a cup of wine. He even creeps her as they had met before in Rome, making her family feel even more uncomfortable. Ulysses S. Grant demanded to know what the hell is going on. But Jack Bower was like, "Don't worry, we'll explain it at the arena tomorrow." He was then like, ok there is nothing I could do about it.

At a royal party, the gladiators were sexually massaged by ugly old women. During the party, another earthquake hit.

_Jon Snow: Is this normal?_

_Mr. Echo: It is the mountain. It rumbles from time to time. _

And Jon Snow was like, ok. Nothing to worry about. A little do they know, their lives will be in ultimate hell. And by the way, how does Mr. Echo know that?

Tyson: Back then nobody knew the volcano was making the quakes. No one knew the warnings of the upcoming eruption.

NC: Have you looked over the documentaries Paul Anderson? You should have done more fucking research! Seriously!

One of Babydoll's horses freaks out in the stable by the earthquake. She wanted Jon Snow since he is good with horses. He is probably going to kill another one for her. Just to be romantic! He gets into the stable and calmed it down. Then he thought, "Hey, why don't I get away by riding this horse?"

But Babydoll catches him the act. (Hum, hi there! I did not kill your horse. I swear I'm not trying to escape.) Busted!

_Babydoll: How did you do that?_

_Jon Snow: I asked_

Now you didn't! You just slowly approached the horse and placed your hand on it! Then he goes on saying that his people were horsemen that got wiped out by the Romans. She felt sorry for him and he snapped at her thinking how a Roman can feel sorry. Then she goes defending, "I'm not a Roman, I'm a citizen."

The Romans took over nearly the entire continent of Europe. I am not a historian, but I know about that for years. Pompeii is a city in Italy, what is one of the countries taken over by the Roman Empire years before the volcanic eruption. Anyways, back to the movie!

_Babydoll: After a year in Rome, I hope to never see that eagle again. Yet, here it is thrust into the soil of my home. My father believes he could bargain with those animals. _

_Jon Snow: My father, he would have killed every last one of them._

(Sarcastic laugh) Good romantic conversation.

She warned him that if he gets caught, they'll punish him. He offered her to join his escape. She automatically accepted it without getting to know him. La la la la la la! They rode the horse out of the palace and on the slope of the volcano. What the..(giggle) the (giggle).WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?!

Just where in the hell was Jon Snow taking her? The two strangers looked across the city and stared into each other's eyes. But that all ended with Jack Bower's soldiers catching up to them. Babydoll wanted Jon Snow to leave her so he could escape. But he turned down his escape because I don't know!

_Babydoll: If you ride, you have a chance at freedom._

_Jon Snow: But at what cost to you? Tell the guards I brought you here by force. The blame is mine._

(Nostalgia Critic grabs a market and piece of paper and write "WHAT?")

Next Jack Bower was about to kill Jon Snow when Babydoll begged for his mercy. They were forced to watch Jon Snow about to get wiped many times. She begged her father to stop it, but he said this.

_Ulysses S. Grant: There is nothing I could do about it._

Nothing you could do about it? You are supposed to be in charge of the city, you should be the one to kick Jack's ass out! Or even better Babydoll should grab her katana and chop his head off! I don't need this shit!

_Babyroll: Fifteen lashes and he didn't make a sound. I could have prevented this. I don't know what I was thinking._

_Servant:__He made you feel alive? _

_Babydoll: He made me feel... safe. A man like that does not need to die in the arena._

And yet you don't know anything about him. He killed your horse, calmed down your other horse, and he has a sexy body. This really a rip off of Titanic. Rich girl falls for a poor boy. Jack is a poor artist, Rose is a rich girl. Jon Snow is a poor guy, Babydoll is a rich girl. You see the pattern here?!

Another earthquake and Mr. Echo said that the Gods are making the Earth shake. Jon Snow believed that something very big would be coming soon. Maybe that something big would be a volcanic eruption. As Mr. Echo took care of Jon Snow's back, he said like he still had no emotion.

_Jon Snow: I saw the man who killed my whole family. Perhaps the gods spared me for a reason._

You don't sound so upset here. I would be enraged and throwing this around. I would be yelling, shouting, anything I would do to be pissed off. Hell you are a gladiator; you should show anger against someone that killed your family! What are you trying to be Indigo Montoya from The Princess Bride? Because it is not working!

_Indigo Montoya: Hello, my name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die._

Mr. Echo wanted to kill Jon Snow for his freedom and yet they officially become friends. We are now halfway through the movie and they finally introduced themselves. Jon Snow is actually named Milo and Mr. Echo is Atticus.


	3. Nostalgia Critic: Pompeii Chapter 3

(Nostalgia Critic's phone rings and he looks at it wondering who could that be. It was labeled unknown caller. Kasey and Sarah nodded at him to answer it.)

NC: Hello?

Anderson: Hello Nostalgia Critic. Hehehehe. It is I, Paul W. S. Anderson!

NC: Paul W. S. Anderson, what the hell do you want?

Anderson: Well, I just want to let you know that my film Pompeii will win the Oscars this year, one way or another.

NC: It is a shit storm and I am explaining why it is. Other directors could have made this movie like Joss Whedon or Ridley Scott. If they were the producers, it would have been a great film. But nope, you ruined it!

Anderson: Well that does not matter anymore because I will kill those masterpiece directors tonight at the Ocsars. You will never stop me.

NC: I will not let you do this! I have been reviewing this movie ever for a long time and I will take you down!

Anderson: It would not matter anymore. You will soon be useless to the world.

NC: I am coming after you!

Anderson: Good luck, you are going to need it.

(Paul W.S. Anderson hangs up and Nostalgia Critic is very angry. The agents, Chuck, and Nostalgia Critic come up with a plan to hunt Paul W. S. Anderson and save the Oscars.)

Sarah: I just tracked down his phone and his location is at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. I'll download the coordinates into my GPS. I also have the directors' coordinates as well so we will know how far Paul W. S. Anderson is from them.

Kasey: He will be killing them at the Dolby Theatre. We better head there before he does.

Chuck: Alright guys, lets do this!

Sarah: Chuck, you and Nostalgia Critic are staying here. You could get killed.

Chuck: So could you! I'm the intersect, remember!

Kasey: If Paul W. S. Anderson finds you, the country is done!

Sarah: Sorry Chuck.

(An hour later, Chuck and Nostalgia Critic heard a knock on the door. Chuck opened it and it was Tyson.)

Chuck: Neil Degrasse Tyson!

Tyson: Hi there, I did not know you know my friend Nostalgia Critic.

NC: Chuck, what the hell is he doing here?

Chuck: Tyson knows about our mission while you were reviewing Pompeii. So he wants to help out. I kind of set up a party.

NC: Party?

Tyson: Don't worry guys, I got everything under control.

(Tyson lets in James Cameron, Steven Spielberg, Ridley Scott, and Joss Whedon into Nostalgia Critic's place. Nostalgia Critic realized those were the directors that are on Paul W. S. Anderson's hit list.)

NC: Chuck, if they are here, Paul W. S. Anderson would come and kill all of us!

Chuck: He thinks they would be at the Oscars, so we would be ok for now.

Tyson: It is a great idea!

NC: Oh my god.

(They have a party at his office. Chuck tries dancing around, but the directors found that stupid and boring. Nostalgia Critic stayed behind his desk hitting his head.)

Cameron: Nostalgia Critic, Tyson told me you have reviewed Pompeii the movie.

NC: (Jumps out of his desk.) Yes I have, in fact I have not finished it yet.

Cameron: I hated that movie, it copied my film Titanic.

NC: You are so right! Would you guys want me to finish my review?

Directors: Yeah!

Cameron: Now that is the kind of review I want to see!

(Nostalgia Critic continues with the review.)

The next day, Jon Snow, Mr. Echo, and other gladiators were taken to the arena for a big battle. Jack Bower creeps Babydoll again as she had to sit next to her.

Jon Snow's slave owner worried that the arena would collapse as he found more cracks on the walls. He told Ulysses S. Grant about trying to postpone the games, but Ulysses S. Grant said with an angry tone to not hold responsible and that they need Rome to help rebuild the city. Hello, your damn Senator Jack Bower is taking control of your city. Hell, listen to him instead of ignoring his warning. Come on!

The gladiators were chained to a pillar. Mr. Echo got pissed that he was lied thinking he was going to fight Jon Snow. Then we get a shot of Babydoll and Jjon Snow staring into each other's eyes with blank expressions. At least show some facial expression for cry out loud!

The guys in creepy mask praising in the arena, why are they here? Are they here for a comedic standoff, because it is not working! (Shot rewind having people boo and throw food at the masked men for saying terrible jokes)

_Jack Bower: Let the games begin!_

_Jon Snow: This isn't a battle. This is a massacre._

_Mr. Echo: How do you know?_

_Jon Snow: Because I was there._

JUST EXPLLLAAIIIINNNNNNN!

You don't know that, we are all chained up into rocks! Jesus, look at the expression on his face again, it is just like Bella's face. How many times do I have to nag you to show expression?!

The other gladiators were dressed as Roman soldiers to reenactment the massacre of Jon Snow's people. They fight then fight to the death! This makes Babydoll really disgusted by Jack Bower.

_Babydoll: Is this what you call sport?_

_Jack Bower: No, Lady Cassia, this is not sport. This is politics._

Jack Bower, you don't know the meaning of politics. There is a difference between sports and politics. Politics is where you guys argue and fight over things. Sports are where you play against other teams for trophies. This is irrelevant!

During the fight, Jon Snow and his ally gladiators were pushing and fighting the other gladiators away from them. Now this is also a ripoff of the Avengers, let me explain why. The Avengers were outnumbered as Loki summoned the aliens to invade Earth. These superheroes used all their power to fight off an entire army. But here, the gladiators were outnumbered and getting their asses beat. One shot I swear should be in it, a bearded guy kills a black man and Jon Snow gets pissed and kill him. Why did he feel sorry for the black man? This wasn't explained at all!

One soldier was just too busy galloping his horse around the arena as he was not participating in the fight. This is the Romans' version of the merry of round!

_Jack Bower: What exactly is that slave to you?_

_Babydoll: Everything that you are not Senator._

_Ashton Kutcher: Burn!_

_Jack Bower: Then you should be please to know that your father granted me in our marriage._

Her parents stated they did no such thing and Jack Bower threatens to kill them if she refuses. Severus and Trinity are the rulers of Pompeii! They should have the power to fight back Jack's men. They should have soldiers of their own for protection. But nope, we have two rulers that do absolutely nothing.

(Nostalgia Critic rubs his temples as if he was getting a headache.) Did I ever mention that Jack Bower's accent is so fucking annoying?

Jon Snow and Mr. Echo broke out of their chains and Jon Snow jumps onto the galloping horse and knocked the rest of the gladiators down. Then the camera goes back to Jack Bower and Babydoll for some stupid reason.

_Babydoll: If I marry you, will my family be spared?_

The scene so focus on Jon Snow and Mr. Echo fighting in the arena. Jack Bower and Babydoll's threatening conversation has nothing to do with the fight scene. The shots keep going back to back every few seconds. (Nostalgia Critic moves closer to the camera and screams.) HAAAAAAAAALP!

Then we had to have a long battle between Jon Snow and that random guy that wants his brother's revenge as if it was important in the movie to begin with. Five seconds was how long that revenge fight was in the arena, FIVE SECONDS!

Now that the battle was over, Jon Snow grabbed a scepter and tried to throw the scepter at Jack, but his assistant blocked it. The audience cheered for Jon Snow and Mr. Echo for winning the fight. Jack sends his soldiers to execute them, but then Babydoll decided they live and the crowd cheered. Now this really pissed Jack Bower off.

_Jack Bower: What do you think you're doing?! (Then he threatens Trinity) Madam, take your seat. If you want to live, you will seat down! Now!_

_Trinity in the Matrix puts a gun on an agent's head and says, "Dodge this," Trinity kills that agent._

Babydoll taunts Jack and he sends her away to the villa to be locked up in a shed. Then another earthquake happened and Jack praised to Vulcan to shook the shaking and will kill Jon Snow.

(Spock looks in confusion as he did not understand what Jack Bower was saying.)

Jack Bower's assistant jumps into the arena to fight off Jon Snow as Mr. Echo was taken away. And then we get those masked guys speaking random nonsense. God those guys suck! Anyway, Jon Snow says to Jack's assistant that he knows him and the assistant was already ready to fight. Then we have to waste a few seconds looking at Jon Snow's blank face. How many times do I have to bring this up?! He breaks both Jon's shield and sword in five seconds into the fight and gives him a better sword. They then continue to fight.

You know guys; I'm starting to think we're forgetting something? The movie is called Pompeii and it takes place in Pompeii. We do know what Pompeii is. It is a city engulfed by a volcano. Wait a minute, where's the volcano? Should it erupt by now?

(The volcano erupts.) FINALLY, THE VOLCANO BLOWS!

The ground rumbles and the arena collapses. Jon Snow pushes Jack's assistant into the gaping crack. They got to the basement and continued to fight while everyone else is fleeing for their lives. Jon Snow unlocks all the cell doors and frees the other gladiators. Now we get a few second uprising.

Then we fast pace to the balcony where the roof crushed Jack Bower, Ulysses S. Grant, and Trinity. As Ulysses S. Grant tried to kill Jack, Jack wakes up and stabs him. As Trinity lay dying up the debris, Ulysses kisses her just before he died.

This looks familiar! In Matrix Revolution, Trinity gets impaled by debris and kisses Neo before she dies. Very original, NNNNNOOOOTTTT! Jon Snow finds her and she wants him to protect Babydoll. Then she died.


	4. Nostalgia Critic: Pompeii, Chapter 4

(Chuck runs into room panicking.)

Chuck: Guys, zombies are running into this building!

Everyone: Zombies!

NC: You're joking, right?

Chuck: Look!

(The gang looked through the window and zombies with tentacles coming out of their mouths running towards Nostalgia Critic's office.)

Chuck: oh my god, their Las Plagas zombies!

Tyson: Their what?

Chuck: Zombies that are reanimated by parasites with mouth tentacles.

NC: Does anyone have a weapon?

(The directors shook their head no.)

NC: I have one this gun with only 9 bullets.

Chuck: I have a few weapons in my Buymore car.

NC: Quick, get those!

(Chuck returned with the rifles and guns just as the zombies burst into the building. Nostalgia Critic hides behind his desk as he fires his gun. Tyson and the others hid behind knocked over tables. Chuck calls the agents to get back for help.)

Kasey: What the hell did you do Chuck? All the directors in Paul W. S. Anderson's hit list are in Nostalgia's building!

Chuck: Kasey, we have zombies attacking us and we need your help!

Tyson: I don't want to die!

Sarah: Paul W. S. Anderson directed the Resident Evil movies so he is the only person who has access to the zombies.

Kasey: If the zombies are from that guy, we got to go back to that place.

Sarah: Nostalgia Critic, can you guys hold them off for a while?

NC: They're everywhere!

Kasey: Nostalgia Critic, you have to finish reviewing the movie or this country is going to hell. Got it?!

NC: Yes sir!

(Nostalgia Critic continues to fire at the zombies while continuing the review.)

The volcano spews ash, lava, and flying rocks into the city. Houses were being set on fire, temples tumbled, and explosive rocks were smashing everything. People were panicking and running for their lives. Jon Snow and Mr. Echo to the harbor, but Jon wanted to get Babydoll before Jack does.

_Mr. Echo: Milo, this is madness! We have to go to the harbor and find a boat! That mountain is going to kill us all!_

_Jon Snow: She risked her life for me Attitcus. Risked everything for me! Without her, we would have been killed us in that arena._

Without her begging Jack Bower to spare him and her family and feeling so helpless, you guys would have been killed in that arena. All thanks to that stupid, helpless, begging bitch!

So our hero Jon Snow runs bravely up the streets to get to the villa. That house is so far that it would take an hour to reach Babydoll. She was locked in a room guarded by soldiers. The soldiers died and her friend/servant couldn't open the door. Jon Snow arrives and breaks the door open like a boss.

_Babydoll: You came back for me._

Well duh, I'm supposed to come back and save you. I am the main hero in this movie aren't I?

The cliff collapses and half of the villa begins to fall into the sea. The time slows as Babydoll's friend/servant runs to get to them. With slow motion and dramatic music, she fells to her death. Well, that was pointless.

Jack Bower's soldiers try to get to the harbor and decided to block the street and kill people. Really? Mr. Echo tried to get to the harbor. But the volcano made a tsunami and the harbor was destroyed, leaving part of the city flooded. Mr. Echo runs back to into the streets as he saves a mother and child from that giant wave. Making this scene even more pointless.

Tyson: According to historical records, tsunamis did occur, but there were mild ones. They were not that big that they would flood the city.

Tyson: You get extra bullets for your shotgun if you tell more about the eruption.

Tyson: The eruption in 79 AD was a Plinian type, named after both Pliny the Elder and Younger. The nature of this eruption is that it releases tons of ash and rock into the sky and blankets everything in the surrounding area. There were no volcanic bombs. There were massive quantities of lighter air-filled water floating rocks known as pumice. Most people who were trapped in the city died of soffucation as they inhaled ash and toxic gases released from the volcano.

NC: I love this guy!

(Nostalgia Critic tosses more bullets to Tyson and Tyson continues to shoot more zombies.)

Babydoll and Jon Snow run for cover as rocks fall from the sky. They got under a roof and wait for the rocks to stop falling. It would have been better if it was raining cats and dogs. (Cats and dogs falling from the sky.)

_Babydoll: Is this the end of the world? Why would the gods let this happen?_

Jon Snow is like, "I don't know and I'm looking right at you because you are so pretty." They were reunited with Mr. Echo. He warned them that there was no way to escape. They have to travel south from the volcano. So they had to get back into the arena to get a horse in order to escape from the city. They decided to go back to where they were fighting before the volcano erupted earlier. Basically, they are going back to point A.

Babydoll runs to her dead parents as Jon Snow and Mr. Echo searches for horses. She goes alone with a blank expression on her face when she sees them. Then Jack Bower sneaks up behind her. How does he know she would come back to the arena? What the hell is he, psychic?

So Jack's Romans are patrolling the basement of the arena as everyone fled from the volcano. Jack Bower takes Babydoll away. Jon Snow and Mr. Echo fight his last soldiers in the arena. Why would they still be here?! Shouldn't they just get out of the city instead of fighting in the arena? You got a motherfucking volcano in the background that is going to kill you all! Think these things through!

Mr. Echo tells Jon Snow to rescue Babydoll while he stays to fight Jack's Bodyguard, who the last person was standing. So Mr. Echo fights that guy as if they know each other for a long time. This makes no sense! Why has a long fight if you don't give us a reason why Mr. Echo had to fight Jack Bower's assistant? Do I have to mention over and over that there is a VOLCANO BEHIND YOU?!

The camera keeps switching from Mr. Echo fighting Jack's assistant to Jon Snow rescuing Babydoll from Jack Bower. Mr. Echo gets wounded and snapped the sword. Now I would give one credit for this line,

_Mr. Echo: Let's see if a Roman can die equal to a gladiator. A gladiator does not beg!_

He finally kills Jack's assistant and fell to his knees as he was about to die.

(Sarah and Kasey rushed back into Nostalgia Critic's place. The zombies ran after the two and the agents swiftly shot each one in the head. The directors were then able to fight off the rest of them. Chuck on the other hand was getting strangled by one, but Sarah saves him as she kicked the zombie's head off. Everyone cheered as they all killed the zombies, but that celebration ended shortly as a tall man in a black jacket in sunglasses appeared out of nowhere. The agents, Chuck, and Nostalgia Critic recognized him.)

Kasey: (Aimed his gun at him.) Paul W. S. Anderson!

Anderson: Oh my, I should have guess that the Nostalgia Critic would be involved with this CIA mission.

NC: Screw you! We know that you were trying to kill those directors with your fucking zombies. It is all just because you can't get an Oscar because of your super bad movie known as Pompeii.

Anderson: Don't mock me, Nostalgia Critic. The other way to win the Oscars is to kill you.

(Kasey and Sarah got between Nostalgia Critic and Paul W. S. Anderson and aimed their guns are him.)

Sarah: Surrender now, Anderson!

Kasey: Or we will make you!

Anderson: Piece of cake!

(Nostalgia Critic continues to hide behind the desk along with the others. Sarah and Kasey fights against this bad director, who fights like Albert Wesker and Agent Smith. As he watched them fight, he continued with the review.)

NC: I need to get back to this review before it is too late!

So during the chase, Babydoll breaks free and crashes the chariot into a building. Jon Snow finally confronts Jack and the two fight. Jon wounds him and a fireball smashes right next to them. The debris cleared up and Babydoll sees that Jack Bower survived but what about Jon Snow. Few second later, Jon Snow pops out of nowhere and falcon punches him.

FALCON PUNCH!

Babydoll chains Jack Bower up.

_Jack Bower: You bitch!_

Oh my god, his accent is gone! This is even more entertaining!

He was about to kill Jack Bower when the volcano sends a raging cloud of extremely hot ash down to Pompeii. He changed his mind as he leaves Jack Bower to die.

Jon Snow: My gods are coming for you!

Oh come on! Just fucking kill that son of a bitch! Stab him in the heart, slit his throat, or stab his face! It is not that hard!

The hot ash cloud blows right into Pompeii and Jack Bower gets incinerated. You know, for kids!

Then it races towards Mr. Echo. Apparently, he is still alive after being stabbed by Jack's assistant. Yet he was able to stand up and yell at the raging cloud.

_Mr. Echo: For those of us about to die, we salute you. I die a free man! _

(Kasey and Sarah kept attacking Paul W. S. Anderson. He keeps disappearing and reappearing. Sarah and Kasey kick and punch, but he dodged their every move. Kasey gets thrown against the wall and Sarah is knocked out cold. Kasey tosses tic tac to Nostalgia Critic.)

NC: What is this?

Kasey: Eat it!

(Nostalgia Critic eats it.)

NC: Minty!

(Then Nostalgia Critic flashes in his mind and suddenly knows Kung Fu.)

NC: Hey asshole, over here!

(Paul W. S. Anderson and Nostalgia Critic have a Mortal Kombat battle, which only lasted for a couple of seconds. (Mortal Kombat theme music) Nostalgia Critic knocks him down to the ground. Paul Anderson wounded and pinned to the floor.)

NC: I am ending this once and for all!

(Nostalgia Critic threw Paul W. S. Anderson into a chair. He ties him and forces him to look at him as Nostalgia Critic returned to his desk. He performs his finishing combat move by finishing his review.)

NC: Paul W. S. Anderson, pay fucking attention!

Jon Snow and Babydoll rushed out of the city just in time. But wait, their horse throws them off as it was too week to run. Jon Snow wants Babydoll to go without him knowing their horse can't carry both of them. Stupidly, she kicks the horse away wanting to spend the last moment with him.

_Babydoll: I don't want to spend our last moments running._

What the fuck! Are you that fucking retarded?! He wants to you to escape from the raging ash cloud! Instead you want to die?! You barely know him!

Before we finish this movie off, let's look at those great memories they share together. Jon Snow kills one of her horses when they first met. She rode with him out of the party to get away from Jack Bower. Babydoll dumbly spared Jon Snow risking herself and her family. Wow, those are such romantic memories! (Sarcasm)

_Jon Snow: Don't look. Just me._

Remind you of anything?

_Jack Dawson: Don't let go._

Yup, I thought so! This is just copying the "don't let go" scene Titanic, but added a volcano to make it original. WHICH DOES NOT WORK!

So for the last second they had together was them staring into each other's eyes and shared a passionate kiss. Finally, the ash cloud shallows them up. The last shot we see is their bodies encased in solid ash still kissing as their love became eternal.

(NC hacks his finger into his mouth)

NC: Are you fucking kidding me? You call this film epic? Bullshit!

Anderson: But it is!

Tyson: It is not scientifically accurate. The victims of Pompeii were not mummified by the ash or lava. They were actually made of plaster in modern times, from material injected into cavities remaining from bodies left in the ash deposits.

NC: what he said.

Anderson: Oh come on, you got to give me credit.

NC: This is stupid! You did not put any chemistry into Babydoll and Jon Snow! You put more special effects and action than acting and storytelling! Kiefer Sutherland as a Roman, were you on drugs?! This action was dumb! Jon Snow was still Jon Snow! I don't know what you were trying to do, but you could only make Michael Bay jealous over this movie!

Kasey: That the finishing move I was looking for.

(Kasey and Sarah handcuff Paul W. S. Anderson. Tyson gets to go back home with the agents. As Paul W.S. Anderson gets arrested, General Beckham meets the Nostalgia Critic in person and shook his hand.)

General: Thank you for accomplishing the mission and saving our country.

NC: Don't just thank me; thank Neil Tyson and Chuck along with the directors. Tyson offered his intake on the movie and explaining what actually happened back then.

General: Well thank you, Professor Tyson.

Tyson: This was great helping out my friend!

NC: But I didn't finish review the movie yet.

Sarah: You told the whole movie and explained how terrible it was scene by scene.

NC: I need to tell my overall of this movie!

This was a total rip-off of Titanic with Dante's Peak and Gladiator. From what we know of Paul Anderson, the characters he creates are very pointless. The acting is terrible. We don't feel a connection with these characters. Most of them have no impact in the film. Too much CGI was put on. It is scientifically inaccurate based on the tsunami, flying fireballs, and lava. The volcano was just put there to keep the audience entertained even though most girls drooled over Jon Snow's abs. There are too many plots in one movie. Most of the actors were chosen for the wrong roles. We all know that the destruction of Pompeii was incredible. Documentaries and books have done well presenting this story.

So overall, Pompeii is absolute shit!

With that being said, I am the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!

(Nostalgia Critic throws the Pompeii DVD far away where he would never find it again. He watched with awe as it disappears into the horizon. The next morning, Nostalgia Critic heard a knock on the door. He answered it and it was Chester A. Bum holding the Pompeii DVD.)

Chester A. Bum: Oh my god, this is the greatest movie I have ever seen in my life!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, here we go again!

The End


End file.
